Wednesday, July 29, 2009

How 2 Let Go....

there is no way to let go of someone you love without pain.
it's with you all the time.
when it's morning
and your bare feet hit the cold of your kitchen floor for the first time that day
and you think of coffee- you think of the last time you got coffee together.
a song plays, the lyrics float through your head, the photograph hanging above your desk, the cover of a dvd you saw together in the theater. it's there when you roll over in bed and without realizing it
you are stuck
because you remember...
you remember that he's not there any more.
that you can't call and tell him the funny thing that happened when you went to the store at 2am, or the fall you took over your own 2 feet because you were so excited about something ridiculous. you can't make fun of your quirks with him any more, or laugh at the weird habits you both still have even though you live thousands of mile apart.
and you lose your breath.
"and i'm fractured from the fall. and i wanna go home.... "
-ryan adams-
as many of you know, last week my dear friend david passed away. at the young age of only 29 he was taken from so many people.
we met at age 11 and became fast friends. he was the boy who first held my hand, who gave me my first kiss, who first told me he loved me. you don't "go out" with someone for nearly 2 years in middle school but we did. and after that ended we stayed the closest of friends.
even when i went to a different high school for a few years he was there.
and for the years we lost touch during college he was there.
and in the summer of 2007 when we reconnected- WE WERE THERE.
we fell right back to being friends like we were when we were 12.
i never knew i'd only have 2 more years. i never knew the last time we took pictures at the park would be THE last time. never knew that our last trip to the cider mill for cider slushies would be THE last one we'd drink together. you never know when it will be THE LAST.
i never got to say goodbye.....
but over these past 2 years we made it a point to always tell each other
"hey, you matter to me, you're an amazing friend, i have been and will always be here, i'm soo glad things are back to the way they used to be. we made it through growing up and we're better friends for it."
all things stupid we'd done- erased, forgiven, forgotten.
we were living in the present, living for the future.
we'd talk about when we both had kids they would play together. they would be friends.
i would knit his family matching hats n scarves- not the dorky kind but ones that are super cool- because knitting is cool!
and he wore the cuff i made him even when it stretched out
he just wore it higher up on his arm.
there was so much left to do.
but i am thankful. thankful that i got to say all the things i had wanted to say. sure, there is always more but the basics were said.
the important part of my life that he was- that all things between us was understood.
that is what i will hold onto- til the day that i die.
so for him i will smile, because i know he would want me to. and my memories will never fade. sometimes i hate how clear my memory is.
but not today.
today is a day for remembering.
"What I used to be will pass away and then you'll see
That all I want now is happiness for you and me"
i needed to post this. so thank you readers for reading and for your constant support of me. if it's in my day to day life or in my buisness and new endeavors. you guys are always there. and it blows me away every time.
i will never stop loving- even though it can hurt so badly.
the loving is ALWAYS worth it.
Rest in peace David Edward Peters.
and now you're free. free from the burdens and the pain.
"the boy who stopped the world and made his own"


  1. I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your dear friend. What a lovely heartfelt tribute to him and what an amazing relationship you two had. Hugs to you, Rachel.

  2. Rachel, you write so beautifully. Thank you for sharing this. I'm terribly sorry for your loss. *hugs*

  3. Your post brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry to hear of your loss Rachel. My deepest sympathy goes out to you and David's family. I know this must be a very difficult time for you. May all your happy memories of your time with him give you comfort. I'm thinking of you and my heart goes out to you.

  4. Rachel, so sorry to hear of the loss of your friend. Thanks for sharing such a touching tribute with all of us.

  5. Oh Rachel, I am so very sorry about your wonderful friend! Your tribute is so beautiful and heartfelt - thank you for sharing this with us. Big, big hug! xo

  6. This is so beautiful Rachel, I can totally see the two of you on your adventures. What a beautiful friendship you two must have had. I know we did...but to have the age of innocence as you two did and to share your first kiss and first holding of Truly something special. I'm working on writing a tribute, I started it. It needs more. I'm waiting for the time to feel right when it all just seems to come out of my like some stream of consciousness...those are the best. Much love and thanks so much for this. xo

  7. so sorry Rachel- thank you for sharing this with us in such a beautiful way...

  8. Rachel .. this is so beautiful. You write your tribute with tender loving care and I can feel the bond you shared with your friend. I'm really so sorry to hear about David's passing and I hope that you'll be ok. I too send you big Hugs.

  9. Rachel, I am so sorry! The love and friendship you felt for David just shines! This is such a lovely tribute to a great friend. He'll live in you forever.

  10. You do have a way with words Rachel, thank you for sharing your memories with your dear friend David.

    We don't need to say it for our friends to know that we loved them or to say goodbye. As you said, he was there for you, know that he is still there.

  11. Rach - I really think this is so beautiful. I'm so sorry for your loss...but I'm sure he knows how much you loved him.

  12. I am so very sorry for your loss. You spoke your feelings so truthfully. So lovely. Thanks for sharing.

  13. You expressed something I have the misfortune of knowing a little about - great way to share that love...I'm sorry you both had so little time, but happy that you had what you did.

  14. Rachel...I'm so sorry. What a lovely tribute and your words touched me deeply. I've lost someone like that. So glad you found one another in life ...i'm sure he is still with you. Hugs and Hugs

  15. Rachel, I know I'm a little late but I just want you to know how sorry I am. Hold on to those memories and they will take you through the worst days. Big hugs to ya!