it's with you all the time.
when it's morning
and your bare feet hit the cold of your kitchen floor for the first time that day
and you think of coffee- you think of the last time you got coffee together.
a song plays, the lyrics float through your head, the photograph hanging above your desk, the cover of a dvd you saw together in the theater. it's there when you roll over in bed and without realizing it
you are stuck
because you remember...
you remember that he's not there any more.
that you can't call and tell him the funny thing that happened when you went to the store at 2am, or the fall you took over your own 2 feet because you were so excited about something ridiculous. you can't make fun of your quirks with him any more, or laugh at the weird habits you both still have even though you live thousands of mile apart.
and you lose your breath.
"and i'm fractured from the fall. and i wanna go home.... "
as many of you know, last week my dear friend david passed away. at the young age of only 29 he was taken from so many people.
we met at age 11 and became fast friends. he was the boy who first held my hand, who gave me my first kiss, who first told me he loved me. you don't "go out" with someone for nearly 2 years in middle school but we did. and after that ended we stayed the closest of friends.
even when i went to a different high school for a few years he was there.
and for the years we lost touch during college he was there.
and in the summer of 2007 when we reconnected- WE WERE THERE.
we fell right back to being friends like we were when we were 12.
i never knew i'd only have 2 more years. i never knew the last time we took pictures at the park would be THE last time. never knew that our last trip to the cider mill for cider slushies would be THE last one we'd drink together. you never know when it will be THE LAST.
i never got to say goodbye.....
but over these past 2 years we made it a point to always tell each other
"hey, you matter to me, you're an amazing friend, i have been and will always be here, i'm soo glad things are back to the way they used to be. we made it through growing up and we're better friends for it."
all things stupid we'd done- erased, forgiven, forgotten.
we were living in the present, living for the future.
we'd talk about when we both had kids they would play together. they would be friends.
i would knit his family matching hats n scarves- not the dorky kind but ones that are super cool- because knitting is cool!
and he wore the cuff i made him even when it stretched out
he just wore it higher up on his arm.
there was so much left to do.
but i am thankful. thankful that i got to say all the things i had wanted to say. sure, there is always more but the basics were said.
the important part of my life that he was- that all things between us was understood.
that is what i will hold onto- til the day that i die.
so for him i will smile, because i know he would want me to. and my memories will never fade. sometimes i hate how clear my memory is.
but not today.
today is a day for remembering.
That all I want now is happiness for you and me"
i will never stop loving- even though it can hurt so badly.
the loving is ALWAYS worth it.
Rest in peace David Edward Peters.
you will ALWAYS BE LOVED.
and now you're free. free from the burdens and the pain.
"the boy who stopped the world and made his own"